Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.

I find I’ve been using this wonderful Buddhist saying a lot lately. My daughter, Gaby, and I were discussing it this past Sunday. She’d been having a difficult time with one of her house-mates. I mentioned this saying to her and after we’d discussed what it meant Gaby liked it so much that she had me put it on two 3×5 cards – one to put in her bedroom and one to keep at work.

When you stop and take the time to think about it, it is really such a simple concept – yet it is very complicated and rich as well. “Pain is inevitable” – that part is pretty easy, right? Everyone gets some pain in life. Things happen that we didn’t want. Some things don’t happen that we do want. Big things happen that we don’t want. People close to us die. We become ill or injured. Big things don’t happen that we do want. We don’t get the job or promotion we wanted. The person we love doesn’t love us back. Little things happen that we don’t want. People cut us off in traffic. People say things that hurt our feelings. Little things don’t happen that we do want. We don’t find the perfect pair of jeans. The restaurant is all out of our favorite entrée.

We’re pretty clear on the pain part. We can all point to causes of pain.

So, how is suffering optional?

Suffering is what goes on in our minds after the painful event. It is the story we tell ourselves, over and over again. The story that we stick to, no matter what. The story that ruins our day, sometimes for many, many days on end.

Here’s a common one. Some idiot cuts me off in traffic. It’s really stupid because we both get stuck at the light two minutes later anyway. How irritating! There I was, minding my own business, and this idiot cuts right in front of me, makes me slam on my brakes and scares me half to death. I mean really, he almost hit my car. So what do I do? I fume about it. Later I tell the people at work how I almost ran off the road because of it. It annoys me all morning. My morning is ruined.

Hmmm…

Let’s look at that. I got cut off and was frightened. That’s the pain part. I fumed about it and let it ruin my morning. That’s the suffering part. By focusing on being upset I now gave the other driver the gift of my emotional state for the rest of the morning. I gave away my emotions by focusing my mind on the painful event.

How else might that have gone?

Once the painful event was over I could have done whatever it took to take care of myself, to use the event as a reminder to do a few things that make me feel better and put me in a great mood. First I could have taken the following few minutes to take some deep breaths to center myself and get my blood pressure and heart rate back to normal. Then I could have taken a few more minutes to feel grateful that I wasn’t seriously hurt and that my quick reflexes saved me from an accident. After that – whatever takes my fancy. Listen to music on the car radio, think about that vacation I’ve been planning, plan my weekend. By the time I arrive at work the incident would be forgotten and I’d be ready to enjoy my day.

Our attention is a gift. We can give it to ourselves by focusing on what feels good, brings us joy, makes our day fun and exciting – or we can choose to give it away to any idiot or jerk we come across. There are plenty of angry, unpleasant, rude people out there. We can focus on each of them and give them one of the most precious gifts we have: the gift of this one day (or hour, or week, or lifetime). We have choice, but instead of exercising that choice we often just keep on doing the same old stuff we’ve always done.

I don’t know about you, but I think I’ll give that gift to people and events that give me joy, that make my day better rather than worse. Gaby and I could spend the rest of the day complaining about her house-mate, but I think going for a walk at the Botanic Garden sounds like a much better day.

All the best,
Rita

Group Coaching – Why?

Group Coaching – Why?

Have you ever been in a class where someone asked a question you wish you’d thought of?  Have you ever been in a group where you heard someone tell a story that was exactly what you’d been living through?  Me too.  Often the wisdom and experience of each individual in a group adds a lot of richness to the group.

Each of us has a huge wealth of experience that gives us unique perspectives and ideas.  Have you been in a group where someone’s question triggered a new question in your mind?

And the atmosphere – it is contagious.  When everyone is totally engrossed in a topic, and everyone is sharing experiences, questions, suggestions – this is true synergy.  It is invigorating, motivating and fun!

I just finished a successful run of seminars and they were a lot of fun – they had all of the aspects above – interaction, learning and fun.  At the end of the evening everyone went home with new ideas, new tools and new techniques.  Did each person use the tools in daily life?  Were there any stumbling blocks?   In mulling that over it occurred to me that it might be even better if the same people who attended one evening could get together afterwards and talk about how the tools and techniques worked for them.  Share their stories, successes, questions, – what worked and what didn’t – and how to make it all even more successful.

That’s when I came up with the idea to create a series of group coaching sessions focused on one topic.  For six weeks the group will meet once per week for 90 minutes.  At each session I will present new tools and techniques – we’ll focus on just one or two each week – and then you’ll have a week to try out what you’ve learned.  When we start the next week’s session we’ll focus on your experiences.  We will be able to tweak the tools and techniques to make sure that they work in your life with your circumstances.

There will be a structure to each session, and that structure will include time for you to get some very focused feedback on your personal progress. As we go over each new idea we’ll make a plan for how you’ll use it that week.  You’ll have a week to try it out – see what happens – and tell the group about your experience at the start of the next session.  You’ll get focused coaching from me and the benefit of the wisdom of the other participants.  You will have the benefit of direct coaching with the synergy of learning through other’s experiences.  What a fabulous combination!  The support of a group of people to hold you to account – to make sure that you follow through on your plans – and then to use to debrief and analyze what happened – and how to make it even better!  Wow!  How powerful is that?

I can’t wait to get started – this is going to be spectacular!

I am working on the logistics now.  The dates and times as well as which topics for the first series.  If you’d like to add your two cents – I’d love to hear from you.  I’ve put up a page on my website to collect some data from you.  As always – anything you send me is held in the strictest of confidence. I will never pass on your information to anyone else.  Just click here to fill out my Group Coaching Survey.  There is also a comments field on this form where you can write in any suggestions, questions or comments.

I am looking forward to hearing from you!
All the best,
Rita

A Simple Meditation to Center Yourself

Meditation is one of those words that gets over defined. Too many people think there is a wrong way to do it, or that they have to be able to do some really intricate mental gymnastics. Not true. Mediation can be as complicated or simple as you would like it to be.

Here is an example of how it can be very short and very simple. Stop where ever you are and take the time to take three deep, slow breaths.  Paying attention to your breath is a form of meditation. Now you can do that, right?

The steps are:

• Put your feet flat on the floor.
• Rest your arms comfortably either at your sides or with your hands in your lap.
• Sit up straight
• Close your eyes.
• Take a deep breath in, imagine yourself filling with a warm, comforting energy.
• Let your breath out slowly. As you exhale, let the tension flow away from you, unclench your jaw, relax your shoulders and neck or anywhere else you are carrying tension. Take a mental inventory of the tension in your body and physically release it.
• Take a second deep breath in. Again imagine yourself filling with a warm, comforting energy.
  
• Let it out slowly.  As you exhale visualize all the fears and worries you carry with you encased in bubbles and floating far away from you.
• Take a third breath in. Once again imagine yourself filling with a warm, comforting energy.
  
• Let it out slowly. This time simply imagine that warm, comforting energy going into every part of your body and expanding until it completely fills you.
• Open your eyes and notice how you feel calmer and more centered.

When you open your eyes you will be more in the present moment, more able to focus, more at ease.

This simple meditation can take just a moment, but it can have a profound impact on your life.  Use it when you feel frustrated, angry, scared – any time that you need to bring yourself back to your center.  I have found that it also helps when making an important decision – it helps you to let go of the negative energy that can show up at the worst possible times and allow you to hear the answer you need from deep within your soul.

I hope this helps.  Please leave a comment and let me know.

All the best,

Rita

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BNI – Networking is a Great Idea

I recently joined BNI-Skokie,Illinois chapter.  This is a wonderful organization and I highly recommend it to all Life Coaches.  If you want to find the chapter nearest to you, go to BNI Marketing.

This is an organization that exists solely to network with other business people and create referrals for one another.  Each member has to commit to attending each of the weekly meetings, to respond quickly to all referrals received and to make referrals to the other members whenever possible.

What I love about this organization is that very quickly it becomes a supportive group of friends.  The organization encourages what it calls “dance cards” which are one-on-one meetings one sets up with each of the other members.  In these meetings you each talk about your business in detail.  What type of work you do.  What type of referrals you are looking for.  How you can help each other.

What amazed me though, was how much excellent and free advice I received from other members.  I have met some wonderful, generous people who truly took the time to consider how they could help me.  They have made valuable suggestions.  They have introduced me to other people who also have helped me in a variety of ways.

I have received free advice on so many topics – ranging from suggestions for my website to introductions to successful life coaches in my area to other venues for networking.

I look forward to these meetings (even though they are held at 7:00 am).  It is very energising to meet with them every week.  I always leave feeling enthusiastic and in a very positive mood.

One of the bonuses of being involved in this organization is that I now have a list of people in all other professions who I trust.  These are people who, by the very fact of being members, I feel can be trusted.  After all, they are also making this weekly effort which means that if they do not do a quality job everyone in the group will know and they will be asked to leave.  Every week part of the meeting is a discussion of the referrals made and testimonials for work well done.

I heard about this group from other coaches, so I am passing the information on to you.  I hope you find it helpful!

Forgiveness – Why it is about you and not the other guy.

There is always a lot of talk about forgiveness, and it often is presented as something that is almost saintly, but really – forgiveness is for you – not for the person who hurt you.

Forgiveness is not about saying it is ok that someone did something bad. Forgiveness is about saying that you’re going to let go of the anger and bitterness because holding on to it is like drinking poison and hoping the other guy will die.  The person you hurt most when you hold on to anger and bitterness is yourself.

Misunderstanding of forgiveness:

Forgiveness condones – it says that what was done is ok.

Nope.  Forgiveness does not condone anything.  It only says that you will not let it go on stealing your life.  You will let go of it so that you can move on. Forgiveness is more about you than it is about the perpetrator.

Forgiveness means that you have to allow the perpetrator back in your life.

Nope.  You can “forgive” and let go of the anger while also creating appropriate boundaries in your life.  Forgiveness is letting go of past anger.  It does not mean that we allow ourselves to be set up again.  We learn from our mistakes.

Forgiveness means that we love the person who hurt us.

Nope again.  Forgiving is letting go of the anger so that we can move on in our own lives.  It is letting go of the hate that takes up space in our lives that keeps us from having room for joy and happiness. Indifference is just fine.  It is just fine to say “I forgive you, I do not hate you, but I also do not want you in my life. “  If you can add “I wish you well.” then that is a great extra – it really lets you let go, but it is not necessary as long as you can give up actively wishing bad things happen to the person who hurt you.  When you give that up you can go back to focusing on what makes you happy.

Many of the topics I bring up here are about making choices that let us have the best life we can.  What we focus on expands in our lives.  I’m in favor of expanding what gives joy and minimizing what gives pain.  Please let me know what you think.

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My thoughts on “selling” coaching.

For me there is a negative connotation to the words “marketing” and “selling”.  From years in the corporate sector these words conjure up the idea of “creating a need”.  The last thing I want to do is “create a need” for coaching.  I love the coaching process and strongly believe that coaching can help people live richer, fuller, more joyful lives.  It definitely does that for me (thanks to all my wonderful peer coaches through ICA).

I have a different perspective.  Rather than seeing myself as “marketing” or “selling”, the word that feels comfortable to me is “outreach”.  When I think about my coaching practice I look at it as if the past, present and future are all visible at the same time.  There are all the clients that will use my services at some point in time.  They exist now.  They are living their lives.  Some of them already know that they want coaching, some are only aware that they are unhappy with some aspect of their lives, some are realizing that they want more of something in their lives.  The future clients are people who will want me as their coach because of who I am and how I coach.

However, these people do not know my name, or that I am a coach, or how to reach me.  I see my task as finding a way to put my name and style out in front of them.  Letting them know who I am, what I do, how I do it and how to get in touch with me.  Once they know who I am and how to find me, when they feel the need to start a coaching relationship they will contact me.

When I look at it this way, all the negative aspects of “marketing” and “selling” melt away.  I am not trying to convince anyone of anything.  I am just letting the people who want this information have a way of knowing about it.

I do not yet have a complete plan of how to go about this outreach, but just having the new persective gives me a lot of freedom to explore the idea.

Joyfully Jobless

I came across a great site.  If you have ever thought about leaving your job and working for yourself, there is a great website that will give you a lot of encouragement to do just that.  Steve Pavlina had a job – once and left it to work for himself.  His site is full of postings that are insightful and funny.  But one of my favorites is his 10 Reasons You Should Never Get a Job

If you are tired of living in a corporate environment and want some thoughts on why you are right – it is NOT the best place to be – have a look at Steve’s site.  He explains why having a job is not the safest, most secure path.  To quote Steve:

In fact, if you’re reasonably intelligent, getting a job is one of the worst things you can do to support yourself.  There are far better ways to make a living than selling yourself into indentured servitude.

Have a look at the site and let me know what you think.  I am really interested in what you think after reading it.

Rita

Hello, Glad to Meet You

Welcome to my blog.  Glad you stopped by.

Isn’t the world a wonderful place to be?  So many people, so many ideas, so many ways of seeing the world.  Every one with a different perspective.  Each with different experiences.  Room for all opinions and ideas.  What an amazing phenomenon.

Stop and think about all the different people who could be reading the words you write.  They could be in different countries or right next door.  They could find you fascinating ~ or completely boring.  Might read every word you write or move on to something “better”.  You can change minds with a persuasive argument or annoy others greatly.  And unless they leave a comment you’ll never know the affect you may have had.

Rather anonymous, isn’t it?  You can rant or praise.  No one needs to know who you really are.

I am going to be writing about Life Coaching for the most part.  If that is a topic that interests you at all, please stop by from time to time.  I’d love to hear your comments and make this a dialogue rather than a monologue.  Either way, thanks for stopping by this time.

~Rita

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